My loves (Taken with instagram)

The last week and a half has been interesting to say the least. I am relieved that I will be able to leave that wretched apartment. I am more relieved to get rid of all the poisonous people that I have been involved with in some way or another for the last 6 months. I am incredibly misanthropical and have a serious distrust for people. Even if I stray from the belief that all people are bad, for a little while, people like HER bring me right back. She is selfish to the max. Everything is about her. I had a gut feeling in the begininning that I should have followed. The “voices in my head” were saying that I should get a place on my own, live by myself. Instead I convinced myself that it would be okay. The place is too expensive and I didn’t want to sign a 12 month lease. I don’t know why I couldn’t say no. I am weak. So then all this bad shit happens. No need to talk about the bad shit. According to HER everybody knows all about her problems because of me anyway. Haha! She is ashamed that people know. Well she should be ashamed. She continually blames other people for her problems. It is always someone else’s fault. When my shit got stolen, when she started using again, when things went wrong, it was never her fault. I woke up this morning to harrassing messages.

You are right girl. I did this all for me. I wanted to clean up the mess you left. I wanted to live on a couch for a month. You are right. Maybe I should have left you to rot. If it weren’t for me you would still be in your room right now, wasting away. Instead you are getting help and you get a second chance, although I am not sure at this point whether you deserve it or not. And here I am cleaning up your mess. You have no fucking right to be mad at me you ungrateful little cunt.

Every once in awhile I need reminding that I am not being shot at, starving, living on the streets or worse. It’s usually something that I don’t want to hear. I complain to someone that my life is shit and I just want to die and they look at me like I am an asshole and should appreciate that the things listed above are not present worries for me. In hindsight it is something I understand thoroughly. However, it is hard to hear and absorb in the moment. After the initial shock of being put in my place wears off I come to the realization that they are right. I am relatively lucky. There are things that are happening to me, in my life, that I find devestating. They are miniscule in comparison to the tragedies that many others endure. An incredibly warm and friendly person lent me a book after hearing some of my troubles. Already I have achieved more confidence, optimism and a stronger commitment to do something about the situation that I am in. I don’t have to waste away in this mess. I have the choice to let go. This tiny revelation has given me purpose or at least the illusion of it. I feel good about this and I haven’t felt good about anything in some time.

Last night, and many other nights recently, have been really hard. I usually love sleeping. It is my escape from reality and all the stuff that I have to deal with. This is not the case as of late. I have horrible dreams almost every night. I think a lot of this may be due to stress. Sounds cliche, but it’s true. The dream, or nightmare rather, that I had last night is most definitely connected to what is happening in real life. I don’t remember everything; I have been awake a couple hours. Basically I was in my room and I hear C’s voice. C is someone that is not allowed at our house. She is a junkie, she stole from my room, she is fucking pathetic and if I see her face near my apartment ever again I am going to do something violent to it. I rarely hate people, and I hate this women. Upon hearing her voice I begin walking towards it. I am inside my room and it takes me an unusually long time to get to my door (my room is tiny). Once I get to the door I can feel the adrenaline and my hearts starts to race. I am on the verge of exploding. I walk right up to her and get in her face and tell her that she needs to fucking leave, she is not allowed here and she needs to get the fuck out immediately. Physically removing this waste of a human life would be nearly impossible seeing as she probably weighs two of me. I threaten to call the cops. I remember thinking that there is probably nothing they can do and they probably won’t even come over, but maybe C is stupid enough to believe that they might. She is a fucking heroin junkie after all. C is at my house to see little c. Little c might be the most pathetic and weak person I have ever met. She puffs up and tries to act big and bad, but she is the biggest fucking pussy. This is also reflected in the dream when she does nothing but stands there quietly. This girl, yes girl, lets people walk all over her. She makes the dumbest choices. At this point in the dream I cannot get C to leave. She is a huge, slug-like sobbing piece of shit. She is apologizing to me, as if words that come from her mouth mean a god damned thing to me. The imagery is ridiculous. She literally takes the form of a blob that I am unable to move from the floor of my living room. Then all these people start coming in. Little c and C’s friends I presume. They are just coming in like they own the place. They are doing whatever they want and I have no control over any of it. The entire time I am trying to get people out. Some do leave but only to return minutes later. I get C to leave but then she is just lurking about outside. Oh my GOD I hate these people and what they stand for. They are worthless, yet they are in my dreams, haunting me.